So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
