I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
