Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
