wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize