I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
