i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Dicks are not precious.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I need water and some morals
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
