Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I am one with the molecules
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
