I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
ok first of all what the fuck
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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