This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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