So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
