you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
