I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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