Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
