i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
