my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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