I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
