I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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