Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
this is an emotional support booty call
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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