I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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