i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
