I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize