I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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