I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
