I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
