I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
