batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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