When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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