you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Still dying that you shit outside
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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