youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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