i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
God I need to hump something, right now.
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