You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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