I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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