Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
