i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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