Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
