I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
