I can't breathe out the right side of my face
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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