he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
