This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
