My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
it glows. i had to have it.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
