Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My cat gives me a boner
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It's shark week go big or go home
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
