R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
