They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
