the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
