Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Michael Bay diarrhea
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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