Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
