Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
