can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
