mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
