We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
