I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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