omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
