my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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