Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
There's even glitter on my cock...
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