Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
