Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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