So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
