My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
COCAINE IS GR8
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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