we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
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